OxTales

I’ll Take a Fifth of Goodmonth

Booze, Broads, and Broadswords.

It wasn’t a dark or stormy night, it was just a night; a night that turned into a day. A day in which I was down, as usual, to a few coins. Chump change, and I was the chump. Just enough to see me through a few days, and maybe a drink or three, but not much more. I needed a case, an adventure, a something… And that’s when she walked through the door.

I knew the dame was trouble right away, because she was a dwarf, and most dwarves are trouble (that’s why I like them). And also because I knew her name was scandalous, which seemed appropriate enough. She was followed as usual by the healer, Reynolds was his name; and I knew he was a hard man. They’d have something for me. Something that’d leave me bruised and beaten no doubt, but maybe a couple coins better off for the broken nose I was sure to get.

They lay down the plan to me, the scheme, the mission, the plot, the plan.. hmm I already said plan, so you get where I’m going with this. I downed my black coffee while I listened, practically having to chew it as it was almost as hard and tough as me. It fought back, but I managed to keep it down, letting it mingle with the whiskey from the night before.

We found a traveling priest to round out our desperate, little group. It wasn’t much, but it would have to do. We knew where we were going, and it wouldn’t be pretty; but we could do it. I had to believe we could do it. Otherwise, we may as well have just turned around and headed to the bar. Except the barkeep would probably want us to pay up on our tab. Like I said, we had to do it.

We hired a lady to float us across the river Styx.. not the real river styx, but that’s what this one felt like. Then we headed down the tunnel. Like I said, we knew where we were going. We’d been here before. Up the proverbial river so to speak, only this time, we were going to bring mamma back some loot. (No, there wasn’t a real mamma, that’s slang. Get used to it.)

The first obstacle was a couple bald headed guys, who thought they were tough. The one with the mop found out he shouldn’t have ever left his day job as a janitor. Nobler profession than being dead anyway. The others didn’t put up much of a fight either, like I said, we were a hard bunch – the cleric in particular. We pretty much just followed his lead, I didn’t even have to break a sweat, though I did break a couple heads.

That’s when we got to the room. It was a bad room, the worst kind a’ bad room. The very bad kind. The kind that gives little kids nightmares, but we weren’t little kids. We were big kids, playing little kid games. It’s how we like it. There was just one problem, in the words of some ancient admiral from a long way away, a long time ago, “it’s a trap.” And boy was it.

We played a couple games of “lubed dwarf curling”. It’s not as exciting as one might imagine, and like with most things we played it badly, but would probably be more fun with a few tankards of mead. In the end we needed a new plan, a better plan. That’s where the bishop with a brain came in. So we headed back to town to put his plan into motion.

Good nights rest and we were ready to head back. Now we didn’t just know where we were going with a plan that wouldn’t work; we knew where we were going and had a plan that would work better. Well, maybe. There was only one way to find out, the hard way. And, that was the way I liked it. Hard. rough.. and sure to leave bruises.

Along the way we met a wasp. A big wasp, with a big stinger. He said hello the only way he knew. It wasn’t a pretty hello, the kind of hello you give a girlfriend you haven’t seen in awhile; it was the hard hello you’d give your x-wife’s mother if you saw here in an alley and no one was looking. Let’s just say the “hello” was long, it was hard, and I got penetrated by it. I returned the favor the only way I knew how, with my Gayrule. The wasp wasn’t the only one that knew hot to penetrate.

We made it back to the room after that, and were about to get to business when we noticed some little goblins wanting to give us the big sleep, and cold kiss goodnight. Closed the door in their face, and hopefully on their nose as well.. ‘Bout time someone else besides me had their door knocker broken. No kisses from them. Now we were going to play a different game this time, dwarves and ladders. And it should able to get us over the traps and make it to the chests, which we hoped contained something nice. Or, at least something we could trade for the top shelf drinks that were just out of our reach.

It didn’t take long for that little dame of ours to get to work, smashing a nice sized hole through one of the chests. When she did, you could tell by the twinkle in her eye that she found something nice. It’s the same twinkle I get when I realize I still have the dough for a room and a drink; except better. This was a twinkle in a dwarves eye; and only two things make dwarven eyes twinkle: Gems and Gold. (Beer doesn’t actually make their eyes twinkle, just turns their cheeks red.) This time it was the latter, and boy was it the latter.

As we loaded up on gold we realized a few things. One, gold is heavy. Two, we should have brought a cart. And three, the little goblins were outside, and they were wanting a piece of the pie. Well, we’d killed enough time in this room; now it was time to kill something else. I felt a cold chill, and just hoped the “something else” wasn’t me….. Well, that and the gold wouldn’t turn to lead when we got out.

~ Content Not Found: hrolfr-wolf-massilia
Adventuring Acquisitors for Hire, Inc.

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the_redbeard

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